Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

My spirit animal is fried chicken

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.