no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
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Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
one of
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls