no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
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If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
You had me at “define legal”.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.