no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
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Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Our lord and savoury.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.