Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

wait a minute….

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter