No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
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Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
synchronized noseblowing
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.