Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

My flabber has been gasted.