No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
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Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.