no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
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LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this