no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
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my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
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When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
*praying for world peace*
God:![]()
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
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Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*