No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
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PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
wait.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy