No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
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I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”