No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
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Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
j o i m p
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”