No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
You Might Also Like
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up