No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
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I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Saturday
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
2024 has been a rough few years
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE