Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

The Eggorcist

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.