No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
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No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits