Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Software Development ⛵️

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

Name another movie that mislead you?

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

Lmao

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.