No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
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Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep