No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
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the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Netflix: We have Less
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Please do it!
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse