No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
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ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
So that’s what we looked like?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?
Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?
Manager:
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.