No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
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Not all heroes wear capes….
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Poetry is my passion
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…