Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker