Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.