No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
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you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Told my teen who has a science project due in a month to work on it a little bit each day instead of waiting until a few days before it’s due to start it.
Him: Is that what you did when you were a kid?
Me: This isn’t about me.