No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
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me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.