No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
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Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️![]()
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
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Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
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Are kids ever okay at all?😂
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon