Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😲 WTF? 😆

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.