Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.