no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
You Might Also Like
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
honestly, i need both:
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor: