no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
You Might Also Like
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I put the mess in domestic.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
💯😂
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer