Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous