no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
![]()
You Might Also Like
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
![]()
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
👾👾👾
![]()
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.