Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

New skill unlocked

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

Tammy is short for Tamuel

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA