Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?

Me: they’re articles of clothing

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.