Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

Does it…does it take 3 days

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

“Do you have a flavor?”

La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

Actually cracking up @ this

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare