Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

Best mom ever 😂

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing