No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
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HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Cat or sheep
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.