No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
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You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room