Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.