Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

Trying

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

ㅤ

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.