No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
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Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?