Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

What the hell happened here.

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.