“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
You Might Also Like
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
we’re dead?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.