dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
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1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
uh oh
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Time heals everything 🙂
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?