No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
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Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Siri, fight Alexa.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to