No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
You Might Also Like
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
They did not miss in the small print
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach