No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
You Might Also Like
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I was just discussing this with my cat
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous