No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
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Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
*jingles half the way*
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.