no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
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REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
when mom throws a party…
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”