no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
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Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Wednesday
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Battery falling down a hole
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
the last thing a carrot sees
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka