Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Steam Forums

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

[right after sex]

Me: so that was uhh-

The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here