no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
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When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
You better wish for more oil
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?