Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

Just why bro?!

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?