No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
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Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Going to church you guys need anything
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
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Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?