Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.

I remember when things only cost an arm.

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]