Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

Spring of Deception

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

Broom by every window for quick escape.

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan