No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
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I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
me adding lol on a serious message
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
eating my hot dog hamburger style
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore