No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
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You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
This rocks
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”