No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
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if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
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16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.