Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!

Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.

7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable