Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?