Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

Spider-cat: No One Home

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.