Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

Good lord

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

Had an epiphany today.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

Why is no one talking about this?!

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍