No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
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Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Autocorrect is my menesis
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?