“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
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Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Blew my mind.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Made something I’m not proud of
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
