“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
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Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?