No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
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Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.