No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
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6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
*3.5 thank you very much.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
i smell a pulitzer
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.