Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

three things we don’t talk about

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins