No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Sorry not sorry.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Gods work.
