No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
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Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
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It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.