No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Got ya covered
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold