*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
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I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.