Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

this will hang in the louvre one day

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.