Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

this is the best day of my life

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.