Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

I don’t get marriage

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

british sex workers really pound for pound

annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

Saturday

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.