No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
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Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
🤣🤣🤣
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
get you a girl who