Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.