Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?