Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

just having fun

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

How to properly lift a body

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.