“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
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Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
live, laugh, laundry.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Message from the dog groomers
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
*checks Timeline*…
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.