If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
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I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.