no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
