no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
