Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

I am having an out of money experience.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.