no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
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February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I beg your pardon?